Choices
by Doylestown
Summary: Part 1 of 2, updated. Disappointed with "As You Were"? NOT the Riley comeback you dreamed of? Have I got a story for you! B/S and Riley/anger/misery. Set one year after Joyce's death. Post Wrecked.
1. Anniversary

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned below. I simply "borrowed" the names and pinky swore to put them back when I was finished. I thought it better than renaming them myself (imagine Stuffy, Trike, Pawn, Dryly etc... see my point?). If I did own, say...Spike, well, let's just say I would be too busy to write my name much less fanfic ;-)

There is B/S shippage in here, but only the kind you would expect at this point in their relationship. No Hallmark, Godiva Chocolates and spouting of bloody awful poetry in this one.

Choices - Part 1

Chapter 1 - Anniversary

"Dawn!", Buffy yelled up the stairs. "Dawn, hurry up, you're going to be late for school!"

"I'm coming!", Dawn yelled from the bathroom. She sighed as she took one last look in the mirror. _Great. Red eyes. Eyes of fuchia. Damn! _She sighed. _How am I going to make it through the day. If only mom were here..._

"DAWN!", Buffy yelled loudly.

Dawn came flying down the stairs. "I heard you the first 15 times, you know...", she said softly avoiding eyes contact with her sister.

Buffy sighed. _She thinks I don't remember. She thinks I have forgotten. _"Dawn," she faltered, "I know this is a hard day for you. It's hard for me too." She reached out and stroked Dawns hair. "I miss her, too."

Dawn looked up at her sister with tears in her eyes. "One year...", she whispered, "365 days."

Buffy grabbed her and held her sister as she cried, "I know, Dawn, I know..." _Oh, God. _she thought. _If only you knew..._

"I am going after school today. Will you come with?", Dawn asked brushing away her tears.

Buffy turned away and winced in pain. "I am sorry Dawn, but I can't make it. I have this other thing I have to do." _This other thing? Damn! _She cursed herself. _Geez Buffy, uncaring much?_

Dawn lowered her eyes and frowned at the floor. "You know..", she began, "It has been a long time since you visited her..."

Buffy swallowed hard and closed her eyes. _A long time... If only she knew about time...my time._

Dawn turned and walked out the door. Buffy could feel her pain. She could feel it but felt powerless to respond to it. _Not now. _She choked back tears. _I just can't do this right now._


	2. Belated

Chapter 2 - Belated

Somewhere in Belize 

"Great job, boys!" Commander Thompson called out as he sat back in his chair. "It was a long haul and a pretty tough fight." he paused as he lit his cigar and inhaled deeply. _hmmmm _... he thought to himself._ Nothing like having operatives in Cuba. _He opened his eyes and exhaled a cloud of smoke. He looked around at the three men that stood before him.

The operation had been successful. A little over a year in this godforsaken place and they had kicked ass and taken names! At first it seemed impossible. The demons had damned near took over the compound before his grand trio arrived to take control of the situation. Sure there was speculation about the troop. After all, they had been involved with the Initiative debacle and the fiasco that ensued as the program was brought down to ruin. With Finn dodging as an AWOL for so long, choosing to work with a band of vigilante demon fighters, headed by one very hot little slayer. But alls well that ends well. Finn pulled out of his slump and came out on top. Finn was by far the greatest demon fighter he had ever known. Hell, better than anyone had heard of, besides that pesky little slayer. He was fierce and relentless in his pursuit. Each day pretty much guarantying a large demon body count. And best of all, the General was thrilled with the mission and had granted the men some much needed R&R before sending them onto their next mission.

__

Aahh...the next mission. he thought, _Ireland, home of the leprechauns...and whiskey. Yes, I'm going to have to remember to tell the boys to bring me back a case or two..._

"You all know the drill.", He inhaled again as he reclined deeper in the chair. "Standard crap. No one was here, nothing happened.", He smiled and chuckled, "Just a walk in the park boys. Just a walk in the park." He turned and glanced down at his desk for a moment, picked up a piece of paper and read it. A frown appeared on his face. _Oh shit! _He thought as he dropped his cigar into an ash tray. " Uh, you boys are dismissed.", he gestured to the three men.

The men saluted their Commander and turned toward the door.

"Finn...", Commander Thompson called out to one of the men. "Finn, I need to have a word with you..."

"Yes sir." Riley said, standing at attention.

"At ease, Soldier." Thompson winced as he motioned him to sit in a chair in front of his desk. "Sit down, son."


	3. Regrets

Chapter 3- Regrets

He was on the very first flight he could book back to the states. He sat in his seat as he wondered to himself. _What am I going to say to Dawn? What am I going to say to Joyce? Oh, God, I should have been there for her...for them._

Riley could feel the tears well up in his eyes as he remembered the Commander's words as he handed him the telegram. _This came for you while you were deep in the jungle. There was no possible way you could have been notified without the mission being compromised. I am sorry, son. _

He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a tear stained piece of paper and read it again. 

01 JUN 01

Agent Riley Finn stop 

Buffy passed away stop 

Burial next Monday. stop

Xander Harris

He buried his head in in hands and choked on the tears streaming down his face. _Six months! _He sobbed. _Bufffy has been gone for six months..._ His head was wracked with pain, as was his heart._ How could I have not known? How come I couldn't feel it in my heart._ He closed his eyes. _Oh God, Buffy I am so sorry... _

He felt so tired, but he knew sleep would not bring him the relief he sought. He would always see her face smiling up at him. He would always feel the warmth of her body next to his, like he did all those months before, before he left her like a coward. Like a coward who knew he wasn't strong enough to fight for the precious gift of her love. He closed his eyes and he could see Spike standing before him.

"_Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. (sighs) To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent ... No, you got the better deal_."

__

Goddamned Spike! If it wasn't for him, he would have been there for Buffy. If Spike wouldn't have gone to her ...brought her to him that night, he would have been beside her, no matter what battle she faced. If only it hadn't been for him... 

__

He couldn't hear anything except for the pounding of his own heart. "Harder...Harder", he commanded the vamp as she bit down and sucked the blood from his arm. Oh God, he had groaned, now this is power... He looked up as he heard a gasp. Oh, Shit! Buffy... She stood before him with a look of disgust on her face, in her eyes. And he, Spike, just stood there triumphantly gloating.

Riley dropped his head into his lap and felt the bile in his throat. He swallowed and shut his eyes fighting the urge to vomit. _How could I have done that to her? I had it all, and I threw it away. She may not have loved me, but she still needed me. And I let her down. And now what do I do?_

In his mind he knew the answer. He was going to go back and finish whatever job Buffy had started. He was going to find out how she died and who killed her. He was going to finish the battle for her and protect her family and friends. He was going to make it right for her even if it meant destroying himself in the process. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a well worn photograph. He looked into those green eyes he would always find himself lost in. _I will make this right, Buffy, I swear to you I will..._ He sobbed and closed his eyes as the tears streamed down his face .


	4. Soul Search

Chapter 4 - Soul Search

Buffy walked around the cemetery. _This is my seventh lap and nothing! There have been some pretty, well, dead nights before , but this was rediculous. It's almost as if someone had been... no, Spike wouldn't be out doing me any favors. Especially after they way I have been treating him_ She sighed and sat on a rock next to an old headstone. She lifted her stake to eye level and said, "Well, it looks like it's just me and you..." , she frowned, "Hey, don't look at me like that." She dropped her arm down and stood up, brushing the dirt off of her pants. "Stop making with the pointy looks..."

She stared intently at the wooden stake for a second. "You want to know why I am not going, don't you?" _Oh, God..._ She thought, _I am defending myself to a dead piece of wood. _She wrinkled her nose. _What is it with the spilling of the guts to all the dead things? _"Well, you *do* know why I can't go..."she trailed.

__

"I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ... knowing what I've lost..."

She sat with her head in her hands. "Knowing what I lost..." she whispered into the darkness. _I lost you mom. All over again. And every night I lose you...over and over again I am ripped from your embrace and left here, cold and alone...and missing you. Oh, mom..._She sobbed, _I miss you...I would give anything to feel you near me again, mom...anything..._

"Anything...", she could hear the words escape her lips. As they hummed in her ears, she remembered demanding of all those in the room that night, _"Give me something to sing about!" _She was ready then. Ready to walk through the fire, hoping the flames would return her to where she belonged. _Where I belong... Where do I belong? _Suddenly it dawned on her. _I don't belong here, afraid to be near the one place I can go to...the one place where you will always be... _She jumped to her feet and began walking across the cemetery. Then she ran, faster and faster, as fast as her strength could take her.


	5. Visitation Rights

Chapter 5 - Visitation Rights

"Well...", Spike said, sitting close to the headstone, "The lil bit is doing tip top in school. You would be real proud. "He sighed as he brushed away some branches from her grave. "And the other one, " he rolled his eyes, "well there's not a whole lot different there. She's still killin me slowly, I'll tell you ... " _Yep, that she was, killin' him and doing a bloody good job of it!. '_Same pain in the arse she's always been. Wishin' more than once she'd just bloody stake me and get the whole sodding thing over with." 

He paused in silence for a moment as he slowly ran his fingers over her name. "You would be real shocked over what's been happening on Passions, I tell you! Seems like that sodding letch, Julian, got poor ole Teresa right drunk and then married her! Now the lil' bit is knocked up. Can't say for certain it's his or that poof's, Ethan's." He cocked his head to the side; "You remember me tellin you 'bout the one shag they shared the night before they were supposed to trek down the aisle. Which was, by the way, cancelled. Ruined by that chit Ivy." He grinned, " Now she's got some stones, I tell you. Bitch has class; the way she gives better than she gets...could give just about any poor bloke a run for the money"

Buffy smiled as she stood in the background-watching Spike talking to her mother. She was surprised to see him there - at first. But she could tell by his words how much he missed her. Despite his obvious downfalls, being a vampire and all, her mom had grown a soft spot for Spike. She trusted him. She believed in him. And he could sense that. It almost seemed to give him a sense of pride. Which suddenly seemed kind of odd to her..._Spike and pride should be unmixy things. _She shivered as she began to think of other things he was proud of. _No going there. There is no good there._

"Don't forget about Sheridan being dead and then ...well...alive. Again." Buffy found herself saying as she walked to where Spike was sitting. " I tell you, she has more lives than, well... me." She added as she sat on the ground next to Spike.

"Buffy..." he said, looking uncomfortable. He remembered watching her put garlic up around her windows after that hell night a few weeks ago. He had been avoided her and she him... both embarking on an unspoken agreement of sorts. One that didn't require being afraid of suddenly becoming a pile of ashes. _Not in the mood for this..._ He thought as he started to get up.

Buffy reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. "Stay.", she said. , "Please?".

He looked in her eyes and could see almost feel the pain she carried. "Won't you be wanting to be alone..." he gestured to the headstone. "With your mum...".

She winced and looked away. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. _...to be alone with your mum..._

He gently cupped her cheek and brought her face to his, eyes holding hers in a gentle embrace. As hard as she tried, she couldn't look away. She sat there a prisoner to his searching eyes. She knew she couldn't hide the truth from him. She could never hide the truth from him.

He dropped his hand in shock. He looked down for a second and then met her gaze once again. _Bloody hell_! _What a sodding bloke he was...not being able to figure it all out before now. _

He remembered the words she told him. Words she didn't want the scoobies to hear. _"I knew everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it... This is hell. Just getting through the next moment and the one after that...knowing what I've lost..." _

What she had lost! Bloody hell!!! She had been alone with her mum. In heaven. Just the two of them all warm and cozy... And then bammm! The Wicca and her Merry band of Scoobies pulled her out. And now, here she was in the cold while her mom was alone, waiting for her to return... No wonder she couldn't face her mum's cold grave...after being in her warm embrace.

"Oh, God..", he whispered., "Oh, God, Buffy..."

She dropped her head and felt the sobs escape her mouth. She could feel her body give way and she collapsed against his chest, her body heaving as the torrent of tears streamed down her face. 

He held her close with his lips pressed against the top of her head. He knew she needed him, if only just for this one moment in time. And for him, that was good enough. He reached down, scooped her in his arms and carried her off to his crypt.


	6. The Promise

Chapter 6- The Promise

In the shadows his face was disfigured with a look of pure rage. A rage that began in his heart and surrounded him body and soul. _Oh, God...how could you be so cruel? _He agonized. Just a few minutes before, his heart was soaring to the heavens. She was alive! By either divine intervention or a sweet twist of fate, she was alive! She was right there only a few yards away from him. He started to call out to her, wanting to run to her, wanting to hold her in his arms, but he couldn't. She had been running so fast and hard, he couldn't keep up. He followed her and waited for her to stop. Before words could escape his stunned lips , he saw her go to him...Spike! 

His heart felt as if it were breaking into a million bits as she sat next to him and sought his embrace. The embrace of a monster, a demon without a soul. His Buffy would have never seek out the embrace of Spike - a monster she despised. She would not give herself to a creature she was called to destroy...unless...unless that creature had already destroyed her. An evil force that robbed her of her goodness, snatched away her soul, made her one of them. 

He watched as Spike gathered her up in his arms and followed in the shadows as he carried her off to his lair. His heart was broken, his spirit crushed along with all the hopes that had welled to the surface as he watched her running in the cemetery.

His eyes scanned the earth surrounding her grave. _Oh, God..._ he cried silently, _her grave...What should have been her final resting-place, a place for her to seek refuge, a place to find peace ...a peace so cruelly denied her in life._ He bent over and touched the mound of soil that had been pushed away from grave. 

It was subtle, as there was evidence of re-growth, anyone could have overlooked it; Anyone who hadn't had the benefit of seeing a vampire rise. He had seen them rise, plenty of them, leaving behind disturbed soil. Soil pushed up from under the ground by the birth of a demon, the rising of a vampire. 

Now here he stood, a broken man, at the foot of her empty grave. 

His fingers traced her name, Buffy Ann Summers. She did save the world, a lot . But the world could not save her. He could not save her. He slumped to the ground and sobbed as he pummeled the earth beneath him. Tears stung his eyes. He thought about Dawn, Giles and the rest of Buffy's friends. He was sure they didn't know. They would have tried to contact him again if they had. _Oh, God in heaven... They would be devastated if they found out about her. They can never find out. _Slowly, he pulled out a wooden stake from his jacket pocket._ It is going to kill me, my love, but I will free you from the demon who has stolen your soul. I will destroy it, and your soul will finally be able to rest in peace... Tomorrow... I swear to you Buffy, you will rest in peace tomorrow._


	7. Comfort

Chapter 7 - Comfort

Spike pushed the door of his crypt open with his leg and closed it behind them. He effortlessly descended the stairs with her in his arms. 

She was trembling in his arms. She had no more tears left. She was exhausted. She sighed as he gently laid her down on his bed. She squeezed her eyes shut and turned away from his gaze. She knew he could see into her heart. She knew he could see her pain. A pain for which she could find no words to explain.

He sighed and looked at her. _God I love her..._ he thought to himself as he watched her curl up into a ball and rock back and forth. He wanted to hold her in his arms and make her forget all about her pain. Forget all about being ripped out of heaven and left standing in Hell.But he knew she wouldn't want his comfort. There was no warmth in his arms, no soothing beat of his heart to lull her to sleep. _Sodding Wicca and her powers... didn't that bint know, didn't she understand? Power comes with a price, bloody hell, And I have seen the funds being collected over the years. But this time it was different, it was Buffy, his Buffy, and she was paying the price._

She could hear him let out another sigh. She felt his hand lightly tap her shoulders as if to reassure her, remind her that she was safe. She sat up with a jolt as she heard him turning and walking away.

"Where... where are you going...", her voice trailed off.

__

Oh God... he thought as he could feel her eyes begging him to stay. "I. ..I thought I would let you be..."

She stood up and slowly walked toward him. "Don't", she whispered, "Don't let me be."

As her eyes held his, he felt as if he was in a trance, not wanting to move too quickly for fear it would end and she would push him away...again. Like she always did

.

.Her hands found his chest and she slid them slowly up to his shoulders. He stood there, feeling himself begin to tremble. He wanted to grab her in his arms and crush her lips with his. But there was something in her eyes. Something that made him soften . He could see that, just for tonight, she needed his love, not his passion. She needed to cry out his name, not scream it.

She could feel his hands gently cupping her face. She could see the tenderness in his eyes. She could feel his love reaching out to her, making her warm inside. She could see his lips parted and willed them to touch hers. She moaned slightly and pressed her body close to his.

Her warmth was like a current running through his body. In her arms he felt like the most powerful man in the world. His eyes held hers, _I love you, Buffy, _He thought silently to himself. _God, I love you..._

She could feel her body tremble as he reached down, picked her up into his strong arms and gently placed her on the bed. She could feel her heart skip a beat as he lowered his head and their lips met, his slowly and gently caressing hers.

He pulled away slightly, wanting to drink in her beauty. Wanting to memorize the vision of her here in his bed, lying next to him, needing him. He could feel her body tense as her eyes questioned his abrupt change.

"Spike...", she whispered as a look of confusion covered her face.

"Sssshhhh, luv..." he breathed in her ear as his lips lightly brushed across her tender flesh.

He groaned as her hands found his shirt, lifted it over his head and tossed it aside. His muscles rippled beneath her hands as she explored his chest. The warmth of her hands exploring his cool skin made him dizzy with want. He had almost forgotten how alive he felt as she touched him, sharing her warmth of her body against his cool flesh..

His hands found the buttons of her blouse. He hesitated for a moment. As their eyes met he could see the urgency in hers. Slowly, one by one, he unbuttoned each button. His eyes glanced at her face after each one, as if waiting to see if she would stop him. He could feel her heart pounding beneath his hands. as he allowed the silky fabric slip from her shoulders, revealing a lacy bra. He slid his hands to her back and unhooked the piece of material and watched as the material dropped away from her body. "You are so beautiful..." he mumbled as his lips found hers.

She reached out and found the zipper of his jeans. He smiled to himself as he remembered the last time her hands were on his zipper. He closed his eyes and gulped . _Bloody hell! She is going to drive me crazy... _he thought to himself as she slowly unzipped his jeans and began pulling them off. He reached over and pulled them off the rest of the way and flung them across the room.

She moaned as he pulled off her skirt slowly, his eyes locked with hers. His thumbs linked on the side of her panties and she writhed as he slowly pulled them from her hips.

She needed to feel him close to her. She longed to lose herself in his strength, to become one. For all the passion and violence they had shared over the years, the fighting, the dancing, her body was crying out for sweet surrender. To have him consume her, to fill her with the sweetness of his love. She wanted to feel the fire, the fire that lived inside of him. The one that burned her each time he held her close. The one that made her feel alive.

He could sense her need. His body slid on top of hers slowly, deliberately. She had her eyes closed and he could feel her hold her breath in anticipation, her body bracing for his to meet hers. "Buffy...", he whispered against her cheek., "look in my eyes, luv..."

Her eyes flew open. And her gaze met his. "Oh my God...",she moaned. He laced their fingers together as he slowly entered her. She wanted to close her eyes, but she couldn't. She was lost in his eyes as he slowly, gently made love to her. She could feel her body melting against his with every slow thrust. She could see his love for her in his eyes as he moved deep inside her. She could feel something she had never felt before welling up inside her. Starting from a place in her heart, a place she thought she had left behind in heaven. Gone was the emptiness and sorrow. She felt alive and loved. She cried out his name as he cried out hers and she could feel them both spiraling in a pleasure neither one knew existed.


	8. The Warrior

Chapter 8 - The Warrior

The night was so cold. No matter how had he tried, he couldn't escape from it. 

He sat at the window in his hotel room and stared into the darkness. He looked down at the crossbow in his arms and ran his hands slowly up and down the cold metal.

__

This wasn't how it was supposed to end... he thought to himself. _Not like this. _He could feel the tears falling as he closed his eyes and held the crossbow close to his chest.

__

But then, how was it to end? He lost his chance at claiming her soul when he betrayed her. Now it belonged to him - a soulless demon. And gone was any chance for her, for them.

He sat as his head swam with visions that would burn inside his memory forever - the picture of her in the arms of a demon. Her empty, lonely grave. The heartbroken looks of her friends, her sister, her mother. He hadn't been there... to hold her, to love her, to save her. he hadn't been there because he was too much of a coward.

__

"They want me back, Buffy ... the military." he could see the look nof shock on her face, " It's deep undercover, no contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight."  
"Tonight?", anger flashed in her eyes, "When were you gonna tell me about this?"  
"I'm telling you now.

"Are you going?", she asked incredulously.

He shook his head, " I don't know. If we can't work this out..."  
"Then what? This is goodbye?" she asked.

He shrugged and looked away.

Her eyes flashed with renewed anger, "You are unbelievable. You're giving me an ultimatum?"

"No, I'm not.", he said flatly.

"Yes you are! You expect me to get over it now or you're gone!", her face became flushed .

"I don't, Buffy, that's not what I meant.", he answered.

"Well, I have heard enough. I will not take the blame for this.", she turned and began walking away from him.

"I'm not asking you to.", he said as he grabbed her arm again. 

"Let go of me!", she spat at him as she pulled her from his grasp.

"Or what? You'll hit me?" he spread his arms out, "Go ahead. Come on, do it."

She stood there for a moment and met his eyes with hers, "Get out of my way."

"I'm serious, Buffy, hit me. Hit me." he sounded desperate, and he knew she could feel it. 

He walked up to her. She walked around him, took her jacket off the hook

He stood there feeling everything slipping away from him., " I'm leaving, Buffy."

She hesitated at the door for a second .

He turned to face her back, "Unless you give me a reason to stay...I'm leaving tonight."

Without a word, she opened the door, walked out and closed it behind her. Leaving him lost, alone and brokenhearted.

Lost, alone and brokenhearted... knowing she belonged to someone who would teach her to kill, maim and brutalize... Everything she fought against, everything she dedicated her life to fighting against. Now it was her destiny.

His eyes went to the large suitcase on the bed. He stood and slowly walked over to it. He opened the suitcase and sighed. Inside were his weapons... The weapons he would have to use against the only woman he had ever loved. 

Tears flooded his eyes and streamed down his face as he made his preparations for the battle that loomed ahead. There would be no rest, no closing his eyes and remembering the sweetness of her kisses, the feel of her body next to his, the gentleness of her touch, the beating of her heart. There would only be the truth, all the mistakes that led him to where he was now.. Every disappointment, every accusation, every impossible demand... No, here there would be only the truth confronting him. Screaming out to him from every cold and dark corner of his room. : _If only I would have stayed and fought for her heart... then I wouldn't have come back to fight for her soul..._


	9. Inconvenience

Inconvenience

He lie next to her watching her sleep. She looked so peaceful. He wished he could freeze the moment. Her asleep in his bed, next to him _No doubt about it, you were one lucky bloke last night... _He quietly got out of bed and went to where his jacket lay. He reached inside the pocket and pulled out a cig and his lighter. _God I need a good smoke..._

He began to remember what it felt like to be in her arms, to have her gaze locked tightly with his in his as they made love. _Made love... now I sound like the Poof._ He scoffed at the thought of being anything close to the likeness of Angel. _But it *was* love. _Maybe not for her, but definitely for him. And that was good enough for him. He put his cig and lighter on the small table he used as a nightstand. _There will be time for that later after she wakes up, remembers what happened last night and all bloody hell breaks loose.._

She stirred and finally woke. She sat up and blinked her eyes as she looked around. Her eyes met his from across the room. Her eyes traveled down his hard muscled body. _Ohmigod!_ She thought, _naked Spike...wow!_

He could not read the expression on her face. However, he braced himself for the indignant cries and insults that would be hurled any second. He closed his eyes and winced, preparing for the impending assault on his manhood.

She climbed out of the bed and walked over to him. He slowly opened his eyes as she stood before him. Her hands went to his shoulders and lightly traveled down his muscular arms until they reached his hands. Without a word, she took his hands and led him back to the bed.

He stood at the side of the bed with her He couldn't believe she was standing there in front of him, wanting him. In the almost light of day. He could see her eyes willing him to take her again. He could hear her breath quicken as she pressed her body against his and her mouth found his. _Oh God, is there ever going to be a time when I won't ache to have her? _He closed his eyes and thought to himself as he felt her easing him on the bed and sliding in next to him.

"Luv...", he whispered softly against her throat, feeling the quickening beat of her pulse against his cheek. "I need you to..." Before he could finish his words; she turned to him and met his lips with hers. Slowly, he pulled away from her and gently took her face in his hands. He could see her face was flushed and her eyes were ablaze with passion. "Buffy..." he whispered "I need you to..."

"Need me to do this..." she said as her lips touched his chest, "or this..." her tongue caressing his flesh. He moaned with pleasure, the feel of her warm lips on his body, the smell of her hair, the warmth of her body as it pressed up against his. He knew how easy it would be to lose himself in her. To rise and fall with her every move, to look in her eyes and see her - wanting him...needing him. 

Yes, she wanted him- he could see it in her eyes when he carried her to her bed the night before. He could feel her need for him when their lips met. But would she ever love him, could she ever love him? In his mind he saw a flash, then her face as she said the words..."* _A * vampire... one ... But he's gone. You're just... You're just convenient." _He drew back from her suddenly and sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. 

"Spike...?", she said breathlessly. 

He allowed himself to look back at her and his eyes met hers. _Those eyes... God, I could lose myself in those eyes..._ He thought silently to himself. Soddin_g poof, _he swore, _you're already lost. And it's about bloody time you find your way back. Stop lookin' for yourself in her...you *know* nothing's there_... 

It was all she could do to catch her breath. Her lips ached to feel his... whether he was fiercely crushing hers with his or sweetly caressing hers with his. _Why did he turn away from me? _she wondered. She reached out and brushed her hand up against his shoulder. She felt him flinch and draw away, almost as if her fingers burned his flesh.

Before she could say a word, he stood before her, eyes glaring at her. "Spike...?" she asked again , eyes searching his face, "what's wrong..."

__

What's wrong! he thought to himself, _as if you bloody well didn't know! _It was there glaring at him every time he was close to her. Every time he was close enough to feel her breath or hear her heartbeat. It cursed him every moment of the day, with every burning ray of sunlight, it laughed at him every night with the taunting glow of the moonlight. It was the truth - the one thing he couldn't run from, the only thing he could never hide from. It was her face staring at him with distaste and contempt. It was her words that bit him deep inside his still heart. _You are... convenient._

She watched as he pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. He sighed, and picked up her clothes. He turned and 

tossed them in her direction, eyes averting her glaze. She opened her mouth and began to speak, " Spike..."

"You will be needing to go home.", he said flatly., " The lil' bit will be worried about, seeing how you didn't come home all night and all..." he cocked his head and glanced at her, "I imagine the Scoobies have probably organized a bloody search party by now."

She flew out of the bed . _Oh shit! _she remembered, _Dawn! _She threw her clothes on and hurried out of his crypt.

He watched her go, not even giving him a second glance as she ran out. "Right then..", he said aloud as he reached for his cigarette and lighter, "It was nice seeing you, too..." He sighed again as the door slammed. In his mind he could hear her taunting him, "_Yeah, Spike...convenient much?"_


	10. I Know What You Did Last Night...

Chapter 10 - I Know What You Did Last Night...

"Damn!", Buffy cursed herself as she ran up to her house. She paused at the door. What was she going to say to Dawn?

She sighed and opened the door. "Dawn!", she yelled as she walked into the house and closed the door, "Dawn, come on, you're going to be late for school."

"She's not here, Buffy."

Buffy spun around and saw Xander sitting on the couch.

"She's at school. I dropped her off."

"Xander...",Buffy looked down. "What are you doing here?"

"I think the real question here, Buffy, is what you were doing NOT here?", Xander stood up and stared at Buffy.

Buffy swallowed and looked down, "I...I...I was..."

"Don't say it, Buffy." Xander warned as he stepped toward Buffy.

She looked into his eyes and saw anger. She looked away and sat down on the couch.

"Do you have any idea how upset Dawn was?" he began, "She has been through hell the last year. She really needed you last night, Buffy."

"I know," Buffy said quietly. _Damn Spike..._

"And you were... where?" Xander asked pointedly. "Not here...Not patrolling." He lifted Buffy's chin so that her eyes met his, "Why don't you cut the crap and tell me where you were?"

She jerked her head away.

Xander knew the answer to his question. He could tell by the shame in her eyes. Anya was right. She was with Spike. He really hoped Anya was wrong. Not another vampire...Angel was bad enough, but Spike...well that was downright insane. No soul, No conscience, drinks blood, vicious killer... He groaned and sat down next to Buffy.

He tried to choose his words wisely. _Buffy just doesn't react well to angry confrontations_... "Look...Buffy..." he turned to her. "I know this hasn't been easy for you..."

"Easy?!" She jumped up,"You *know*?!" her eyes were blazing with fury. _He knew...what did he know..._"You know *what*, Xander? You know where I've been? What I felt? How I got back here? Tell me, now, what *do* you know?"

Xander jumped to his feet, "I know that your sister, who you went to your death trying to protect .." his eyes met hers, "is suffering. She's all alone. She doesn't even have you. Because you are out rolling around with Sp-"

"Spike." she spat. "Now this is about Spike?"

"No. Buffy. This isn't about Spike. This about you. And your responsibilities to your little sister." Xander spat back.

"Oh. And looky here." Buffy narrowed her eyes "We have a boy, I'm sorry, your a man now, right. My bad....A man who has *always* been soooo responsible... telling me what I am doing wrong. is planning to spend the rest of his days with a former vengeance demon..."

"Buffy..." Xander warned as she continued to circle him

"So, what kind of a trip down memory lane will you two be having? And you are throwing stones at Spike..."

"Buffy. This is about you, not Spike..." Xander began.

"Oh really? 'cause I'm thinking this is all about Spike... and Angel..." She began.

"Don't go there, Buffy..."Xander grabbed her arm.

"Oh, look at who's the big and bad..." she laughed, "couldn't tumble with me one way...so..."

Xander dropped her arm and stormed out of the house.

Buffy shuddered as she heard the door slam. Then she felt the tears streaming down her face. _Oh God...Xander..._

She sank onto the couch and began sobbing. Her life was a horrible, rotten mess. She thought of her mother. How much she missed her. How much she would be heartbroken by Dawn's suffering. By all of her mistakes. She promised her mother that she would always protect Dawn. And she had failed. Again.


End file.
